LaurieWrites

Friends With (Legal) Benefits: Putting the Bond on Paper

Friendship runs deep in individuals and in humanity. It's an essential fact of life for most people, a vast collection of relationships reported to lower blood pressure and the risk of depression and provide social interaction and connection in an increasingly disconnected age. It's immortalized in songs and in its own section at Hallmark. When it works it survives bridesmaid horrors, periods of remarkable self-absorption and the collection of bumps and bruises that life gives every relationship. It can be painful and it can be glorious.

But should it be legalized?

Arguments for and against legally recognizing friendships came out this summer, first in an essay by Rebecca Tuhus-Dubrow in the Boston Globe and then in a response blog post from Jane Gross at the New York Times Health Blog.

Tuhus-Dubrow wrote about what she calls a "nascent movement" among scholars to give designated friends legal rights and responsibilities, from access to the Family Medical Leave Act and write-offs for certain "friend expenditures" to the right to make health-care decisions and even just ride in an ambulance or visit a hospital room should a friend get sick.

While some of her sources said that the government shouldn't be involved in everything and this kind of movement encourages too much control, others said that it's just the ticket for people who don't have a family support system for times of need.

Gross doesn't have children and has made a few arrangements with friends to serve as health-care proxies and potential roommates, but in her essay "Single, Childless and Terrified" she says that as a "single, childless woman" she lives in fear that there will be no one to care for her when she needs it the most.

But, having witnessed the “new old age’’ from a front-row seat, I’m haunted by the knowledge that there is no one who will care about me in the deepest and most loving sense of the word at the end of my life. No one who will advocate for me, not simply for adequate care but for the small and arguably inessential things that can make life worth living even in compromised health.

Gross suggests that friendship should be lifted from its "second-class status," given some clout. Reader comments are sad, hopeful, angry and resigned. Alex says a lonely old-age is what selfish people who haven't chosen to raise children get, especially if they have money left over. Jen in Astoria says she's going to be just fine regardless and doesn't appreciate Gross's "fear-mongering." Presumably a very different Alex says,

How amusing! You assume that those people with children are somehow not going to be magically stuffed into a nursing home and ignored by those children.

Hey, I get it. Single, childless, here - although not terrified, yet. And since after years of social work with seniors I'm in touch with the realities of aging - financial and daily caregiving aspects - it's crossed my mind that not having kids or a spouse removes a common layer of human beings who are both legally tied (in the case of the spouse and frequently in the case of the kids) and emotionally connected enough to make sure I don't waste away alone.

This assumes that those people in the traditional roles are there at all. Let's face it - it's often a couple of my friends now who've got my back, along with my sister, and those are the people I would trust in a serious jam. Some of my married friends know they could depend on me or another of their close friends should there be a serious problem or absence of a nuclear family. One friend who recently separated from her husband just put me down as an emergency contact at her child's school, because her family is in another state. Most of my closest friends are young enough to have living parents who are still involved with our lives, single or coupled, so we're still benefitting from that support system in a variety of ways. I'm confident I'd be writing a different response to this in 10 or 15 years. Divorces happen (and already have.) Kids move away. Older relatives die.

Increases in domestic partnerships and civil unions in recent years include rights that some quoted in Tuhus-Dubrow's article say should be allowed for friends as well.

"If the law decides to support some relationships, why not others that similarly involve care and support?" asks Washington University's Rosenbury. "What is it about marriage or marriage-like relationships - that is, relationships that are assumed to have sex in them?"

Carolyn McConnell at Rock the Cradle is in favor of legal friendship and says that it's not just for single and/or childless women.

Jane Gross in the New York Times focuses on those who are single and childless and their need for support in old age. But this isn’t only an issue that should concern single women. It’s past due time for women to consider that most of us will spend less than half our lives married to a man (see my old article in Salon on this topic). I’ve already considered that my spouse is likely to die many years before me (sorry, sweetie) and that my friends will be the support of my old age.

To put that into pop culture terms for my Gen-X brain, "I Love Lucy" didn't last into Lucy and Ricky's divorce or Fred's death, and the Lucy Show didn't count, so it's hard to say how Ethel would have had to step up to the plate if Lucy got sick and Little Ricky flaked out. I'm pretty sure she came in handy regardless, though. Tuhus-Dubrow mentions Friends and Sex in the City as influential shows that a tribe of friends as a support system - although transitional, before "real life" begins.

Leanna Hamill, and elder law attorney in Massachusetts, writes in her blog that single or coupled, planning is key.

It is true that those clients with children generally have an easier time choosing who to appoint as a health care proxy or power of attorney, but those childless clients who have to think about it more, and have conversations with friends about the responsibilities may be ending up with people who are more willing to serve and who know their wishes better.

Msmeta at Adventures at Midlife includes Gross's post in ruminations about a friend suffering from dementia.

But none of this is any guarantee that, when it’s time, the biological switch won’t get pushed. And so many of us will have to depend on the kindness of family and friends — and in some cases, even strangers — to guide us through those last confused years.

Candice Watters at The Boundless Line: bringing focus to the single years says that Gross's fear reflects an "unintended consequence of the cultural assault on marriage and children," that giving legal rights to friends would extend.

I think Gross has stumbled onto one of the reasons God made families...The reality of an aging, childless population is undeniable. How we care for them, however, is yet to be decided. Where some see tragedy, I see opportunity. The church is uniquely gifted to step in with compassionate care not only for the body in this life, but also for the spirit with a view toward the next.

Chronicles of Spinster isn't buying it.

I read this article today in the NYTimes and it irritated the hell out of me. I understand its a NYTimes "blog", but pllleeaaassseeee.

Although I understand the sentiment I refuse to spend the next 40 years of my life worrying or being terrified about this shit. Build strong relationships, know your rights, take care of your finances and your health as best you can, and it will be what it will be. Why do fearful women want to scare the hell out of the rest of us? There were no useful suggestions in this crappy waste of space.

Model Minority read the comments on Gross's post also and came away concerned about the "system" we live in.

What amazes me when we talk about prisons, schools or the elderly is our unwillingness to criticize the system in which we live and how it may affects our lives on a structural level.

The possibility of legalizing a relationship assumes permanence, and what wasn't addressed much in the essays or the comments was what happens if a friendship should go south? How do you know who to trust? One of the most-read posts I've ever written on here that also received the most emotional responses across the board dealt with friendship "break-ups," something I called an art and a sadness. Considering it in this context, though, it's not very different from other partnerships that, when legalized, don't always make it, or in other ways let us down.

Writing through this was tough. It's a complicated topic where the focus too easily veers back into single-peron-bashing with a side of self-pity, but it could really affect anyone. One of my mantras in working in the senior community was, "it's hard to understand because until you've been old, you haven't been old," and I still believe that's true. It's impossible to say what kind of support you'll need in your old age, or how it will be provided. My parents have already stepped up to help out married friends with terminal illnesses, and my father just turned 60.

I don't know if "legal friendship" is the answer but I do know that in a world where people often "choose their family" there are ways to designate wishes and responsibilities to those who do not share your blood, household or marital tie.

I don't know what I would choose. I don't know what kind of care I'll need tomorrow or years down the road. I don't know if I'll live thousands of miles away from my sister at that time like I do now or in the same area. I have a godson, and the one time I cracked a joke about my old age in his presence (seriously, a joke) his mother made sure to tell him that he had no responsibility for me, so that's awkwardly out. I don't know if I'll end up married or remain single, but I do know, as I've stated before, that I will not marry just for security as I'd rather deal with a stable of nursing assistants than one incompatible man in my house, so there's that.

What I do know is that I have some really great friends, and an extended family I love who love me. I can only hope that that's enough, and that beyond the boundaries of legality, a few of those people will be there for me as I know I will be there for them for the long haul, like I would be there today if they really needed me. And I'd kind of like to see someone try to keep me out of a hospital room if I felt that was where I really needed to be.

Laurie White writes at LaurieWrites.

My friend called from New York last night where he just moved to tell me that the first morning he was there he went to the park with his roommate to walk his dog.

"Did you know that you can take your dogs off-leash in Brooklyn parks before 9 a.m. and then again at night?"

I did not.

"You can. And there are SO MANY DOGS. It was BEAUTIFUL, the greatest thing."

He did not hear me crying, this struck me too as beautiful, something so much better than my own day had been, and not just because I don't have a dog anymore, live with one who doesn't have much interest in me, and have no plan to get another any time soon.

I had a terrible day yesterday and today I'm still not feeling well. I can't find a check I need. I have to handle some stupid-ass personal conflict. Someone who tried to help me set me back without meaning to.

I am so over being like this. I want to have better news. I will better news to come, consistently...for the things to stop happening that send me spinning. And it almost seems like the more I try, the more effort I invest in bringing people closer to me and developing good relationships and trying to move on, I get more stuck. It's so weird. Driving home on the highway in the dark, though, I was so happy for my friend. His progress, too, has been a long time coming and this move monumental. It was good to hear about it as it began.

Cindy Lee

My friend Erica called from San Diego last night to tell me that our friend Cindy died suddenly in the Barnes and Noble where we all used to work. She was 50 years old. I'll write the 75 words first, but then some, because...because.

"Sometimes we cut a wide swath, baby, and that's okay," she said at my goodbye party, as I worried over leaving everything that knit my Dayton life together. She hated bullshit and I loved that. I’ve repeated her words to myself many times since, a Cindy mantra that soothes me. I just knew even then the loss of leaving people like that, people who tell you the truth, who you stupidly lose sight of but never forget.

These are my extra words for her:

She let her husband Bill get another car once. He likes classic cars of some money-sucking sort that I can't remember now. She came into work after the decision had been made, and he called her during the shift to tell her, just in case she didn’t know it, that she was “so fucking cool.”  Cool because she didn't give him any shit about getting the car. Cool because she laughed and said some stuff like "that man" or "his toys" or whatever, and she just moved on from it. She knew he loved them, and because she handled the money, as I recall, she'd just make the thousand dollars or whatever it was happen, and she'd pull her car out around the extra vehicles in the yard. Because, she said, there was nothing she could really do about it but do it, because it made him happy and it was no big deal anyway. Another car, a few more dollars.

They were one of the great love stories I've ever met in person. No one wrote stories or made movies about them, but they just honest to God really loved each other, and loved their pets and house, and whatever it was that made their lives tick, and I find that one of the most underrated beauties of life, maybe because I don't hear about it or see it that much.

He came in to the store the other night, apparently, just to be there, to be where she really did love to work after escaping mindless shifts of “Hello, thank you for calling Hugo Boss fine leather goods, how may I help you?” Erica said he said he didn’t know what he was going to do without her. Sometimes it's hard to know, beyond just putting one foot in front of the other.

Cindy was always kind to me. She always made me laugh. She was one of the coolest women I've ever met. She rarely went out socially, and when she came to my goodbye dinner, it really, really touched me and made me feel pretty special too. She inspired in me absolute positive regard, something I'm ashamed to admit doesn't come along as often as it maybe should.

The photos below are from the summer of 1999, when I left for home and Vic moved to Seattle, and we had parties all season to say goodbye.

The top photo is Vic on the left, Cindy on the right. The next one is Cindy on the left, Erica on the right. I really, really love these women. It was such a good time for friends.

And yes, sometimes you do cut a really wide swath, and it just has to be okay.

Writing at the Open Mic

Andrew: That's quite a tattoo. Quite a commitment.
Me: It's a look.
Andrew: That's how they'd be able to recognize them in emo kid concentration camp. 

******************************************
Me: She's really not bad. But why must every girl who looks like that look like that in the same way?
Andrew: Yeah. The leg warmers. The argyle tights. The harshly cut bangs.
Me: I mean, it's like they go to the same school for it.
Andrew: The bangs.
Me: Those bangs look good on no one. And oh my God, she has him banging that tiny little drum. That's really unnecessary.
Andrew: I was just thinking that that drum was unnecessary. I love hanging out with you. We think the same things. We're the same. Except you like Dar Williams and I like German thrash metal bands.

*************************************
Me: I just had the insane thought that I miss working for Restaurant Digest.
Andrew: Me too.
Me: Yeah, I miss those messed up times when Bruce was alive.
Andrew: Yes. There was a time when Bruce was alive.
Me: And how sometimes he'd give me money when he was alive. And I'd actually get it. That was nice.  Maybe I just need money.
Andrew: It was better when he wasn't crying when he gave me money.

We are all connected.

A couple three years or so ago in a small town that would soon play host to some primo outlet shopping, a young boy picked up a trombone.

And then he put it down.

Wait, that's not the end.

Some years later, there would be guitars. And amplifiers. And thousands upon thousands of spinning discs, first big and black and then small and silver, that play music. And lo, so many, many, many other various and sundry musical things, many of them limited editions and beyond my repertoire at first, but I tell you, the things I've learned about that there music and how to consume it from my friend Mike Conrad, whose website I would link you to if he'd get it going already.

He's currently living in a city well known for many things historical and more recently, a bit fanatically, for all things baseball championship-related. Today, I hear he's putting on a little a show there. I told him I'd keep him in heart and mind and send him whatever good vibes I could (in an impressively random fit of niceness.) In doing so I realized that I'd not linked here - I don't think, at least I can't remember now - a project that he worked on last year that supports the women and children of Darfur.

I believe it is all Berklee College of Music students (and maybe some faculty too, don't know...) on the cd. So if you have...umm, looks like 13 bucks and you want to support music produced by people who aren't getting paid big bucks to do it, I suggest you throw your money behind We Are All Connected, and the work they were doing through music for some people who sorely need it. It's also not a bad record, at that. You can buy it at iTunes like the rest of the sheep, or at CDBaby, which is a little more fun.

Mike's song is called "Side by Side", performed with Carol Souki. Simple lyric: "Sing with me, stand with me, so that we can create world peace." Maybe I should send a copy to the White House?

Here's another link or two where you can learn more about the Darfur conflict, and the Sudan in general. Most important reading isn't easy, and there's a reason this topic keeps coming up. It really does suck over there.

Here's another nice link I found from the Berklee Darfur page for a project called Art of the Song, just for kicks.

Anyway, there's a show today, and that's exciting. And since I'm talking him up at the moment, it's probably worth noting that he has an internet radio show as well that you may well find interesting. Seriously, this guy works harder at this stuff than you can imagine, you just have no idea. And if there was a person I could hand a dream on a platter to, he'd be one of my first choices.  What can you wish for someone that surpasses luck? Whatever that is, it's sent his way, every day, but today especially for sure. I'm sure it'll be fabulous.

Pumpkin Party

Dan: I have no reason to blog.
Me: Everyone has a reason to blog.
Lauren: I just don't know why anyone would care about what I have to say. Like maybe three people?
Me: That works for me.
Dan: Like what do you blog about? Starbucks?
Me: Why in the hell would I blog about Starbucks? Oh...wait, now the pumpkin spice latte, THAT I've blogged about.
Dan: See, blogging about Starbucks. I can't blog.

I'd actually been thinking that it was time to blog about Starbucks again, because I had the best such latte I've  ever had the other day. EVER. And while driving along and sucking it down like I do, I may have spontaneously said aloud "It's like a party in my mouth." Not that I'd ever tell him that.

Steel City Saturday

Day one conclusion: Pittsburgh might be the most humid place on the East Coast. This is a challenging - and unfortunate- lottery to win.

I just woke up, and my hair resembles Rick Allen's, (who is now, by the way, spiritually transformed, playing with Krishna Das, and running the Raven Drum Foundation with his wife.)

Sample quote: "I’d say that Hare Krishna has more energy attached to it in terms of thousands of years of being uttered than “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”"

Right on. Yay for evolution. But I don't know...there's some sick energy concentrated in late-80s ROCK, dude. Don't underestimate it.

Yes, Pittsburgh hair. And also, I'm trapped in some "All the Right Moves" Tom Cruise/Willy Wonka Guinness Factory. Freaky.

Other observations thus far:

1. There is a freaking Bravo here. Pasta Bravo, friends: "Our signature dish-rigatoni tossed with wood-grilled chicken and mushrooms in roasted red
pepper sauce." GUESS WHOSE face will be smack in the middle of a plate of that lovely, lovely stuff before the day is out? RICK ALLEN'S, channeled by ME, that's who! Pour some Pasta Bravo on me, in the name of Krishna Das and drum circles! Please!

We have Brio at home, their upscale version, but it's just not the same. I spent many nights at the Dayton Bravo. I even worked there for two days.

2. Speaking of drums (please see Rick Allen item), I met a nice man named Michael Vignole at the festival who will sell me a handmade bodhran for a reasonable price. He tells me if I have rhythm I can play it. And oh, that's really not a problem. There's a workshop today. I'll be there.

3. Got into an argument - an ARGUMENT, because I apparently have deeply held opinions about such things - with a guy in a Flogging Molly t-shirt at the bar last night about the necessity of indicating that such and such a band is an "IRISH" rock band, and the validity of said "Irish rock" as a genre. I seem to recall posing the question of whether aHa really needed to be labeled a Norwegian band, when "a band who are really just cartoon renditions of men, who also happen to ride reindeer" would suffice. (kidding about the reindeer part.) He totally started it, I swear. I just stated an OPINION. Why bring the noise so fast, huh? Calm DOWN. I know it's alarming when a damned GIRL has drawn a conclusion or two about music, but it might happen again. Prepare yourself for the onslaught. Of course he's from DC. Apparently these guys are supposed to change my mind. Also, Dropkick Murphys! Rawr? Ruh-roh?

4. Sandwiches come with French fries and coleslaw ON THEM here.  Seriously, this place?  Insane. And at 2 a.m.? Insaner. They're open 24 hours a day.

5. I learned in Breezewood, town of motels,  (one of my favorite roadtrip places, honestly) that there is reliable wireless internet access at over 470 truck stops nationwide.  It is not free, however. 

Also, there is a MySpace for truckers, in case your world is missing MyConvoy.

6. Beer monopolies at Irish festivals are a bad idea.

7. Pittsburgh has a ton of bridges.

8. Finally, this town is home to a band called the Corned Beef & Curry Band. Not as trainwrecky as the title could suggest. Bob Bannerjee, fiddle player and vocalist, is a very talented guy. Props to the rest of the crew, too. It was quite a jam session.

More illuminating points later. And some more embarrassing pictures, because that's my self-created job.

Phoning it in.

Oh my God. So busy. Mind blown. It's all - or most of it - good, though.

Here's today's BlogHer post. It's  about family ties of the chosen variety.

I hope to actually have some time to write something tonight and tomorrow, but it's funny how they want you to read in this grad school situation - like, right away. Hmm.

Honestly, the first week was better than I expected. The juggling act part of it, (and the broken down car on my first day of school, that was great! More, please! I love being a grown-up! And oh how I wanted to learn that my car "thruster injectors - haha, twelve years old, haha - or whatever they're called, along with all the other apparently filthy, carbon-coated components of my car that are singlehandedly killing the environment, causing Al Gore to wind up on my doorstep any day with his goons - would collectively cost a hyperbolic million dollars to clean.) Where was I? Oh, the attack of the parentheses strikes again. Yes, the juggling act part of it? Not so much.

Now I'm headed to a town I haven't been to in a while to see some people I don't see very often. On the way, I'm going to stop off and visit a baby donkey. Sheila E. has nothing on me. Pure glamour.

First day of school below. Dork! (And that's melted mascara combined with exhaustion...and a couple of happy tears that I may or may not admit to. Milestones, man. Gotta love 'em...sometimes.)

March in motion

I spent most of March on the move. It was hard to go back to routine and I'm still adjusting. I much prefer the routine of no routine, actually. I'm better off when I'm conditioned to expect nothing, when I can just be surprised by whatever comes along. I've also found that you can occasionally still expect a paycheck when you do that. That's my ultimate goal. Besides, my sleep schedule is shot, so I really feel more offended than usual about having to get up at any particular time. But it must be this way for just a little while longer.

I haven't written about New York, yet, mostly because I hadn't gotten the pictures posted fully and I feel like a big slacker when I don't do that. Actually, I really haven't posted about Austin yet, either - not to the extent that I likely should.

The bottom line from that trip was that SXSW was largely worth the time and effort it took to attend. I learned a lot and it was interesting to be at a tech conference that wasn't all women. There were things about it that I didn't like. I hated that Tucker Max was a speaker. It was almost enough to make me never want to go back. I won't link to him, so Google him if you must. He's disgusting, and it offended me that he was presented as a success story, strictly because he gets traffic and makes money. There are so many successful WOMEN and other men who have gotten book deals from blogs. Why someone who spreads what amounts to hate speech? Why make him an example of success? It's these things that depress me about the world.

I also don't like events in convention centers at all. I think that convention centers signify everything wrong and bad about American generica - too big, too gray, too much shitty food. Plus it just takes too long to walk everywhere in them. It's all the walking down gray hallways, carrying great big bags over football fields of space, covered in bad carpeting. Blah. It bums me out. I liked having my laptop with me so I could connect with humanity whenever I got to whatever room I was going to. How's that for irony?

I love Austin, though. I love the experience of being there. It's very comfortable for me. I don't know how long I could stay and that's not really relevant to the storyline, anyway. It's just a good place to BE, for any particular period of time. Although I stayed with my beautiful friend and amazing artist Shobha,  and spent time tooling around with Lauren, I spent a fair amount of time tooling around the city on my own. Some highlights:

*The first night meetup with the ladies (and some guys, to be fair) from Blogher, at Freddie's, which has a great outdoor space.   
*Queso at Curras. And Magnolia Cafe. And Rio Grande. And another place I can't remember the name of. Just....loads of it, to the point that I said on the day I left, "If you punctured my arm I'd bleed cheese."  It's just so GOOD, the queso. Sweet Lord, if there's a heaven, let there be queso there.
*The first "Writing, Better" panel with the awesome Ethan Marcotte and Erin Kissane from A List Apart,
and the one with the people from mediabistro.com, salon.com (now that was really exciting), and The Onion. Those were worth the time and attention.
*The Yahoo/Flickr party at Light Bar, which I stumbled upon on my own, but I got some cool photos and replaced my Flickr buttons. It's the little things, I guess.
*Sitting up and talking with Shobha.
*Free wifi everywhere in the city of Austin - no log-ins. This is just reason enough for a web addict to keep coming back for more.
*Progress Coffee shop
*Shooting pictures by the railroad tracks
*Hanging out at the Spider House

*Getting my hair cut at Bird's Barber Shop by the very nice and friendly Fay, who really thought I should move there, and probably thinks that you should too. 

*Finding the Ironworks Barbecue place randomly and watching a monsoon outside as water poured in through the stovepipe.

*Warm, gorgeous, restorative air, for the first time in months.

That's a pretty good summary. It was a good trip. You can see the pictures here, in the Austin set on the right.  And if you've never been down there, take a trip. You'll probably like it.

SXSW Photos

Austin/ SXSWi photos are finally up. The set is on the right. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to make the Flickr Uploader rock and roll on the Mac. This seems really ridiculous, that anything was working better on the old computer.

Here are a few. I find Austin quite photogenic.

My favorite panel! The editors from The Onion, Mediabistro and Salon! I'm such a GEEK.

Austin's community art project that every city seems to have adopted - albeit with different totems - is the guitar. We got pandas in D.C. That kind of says it all. (Although the crabs in Baltimore were pretty cool.)