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February 17, 2008

Comments

citygirldc

Thanks for the info! I hadn't even heard about Gottlieb's article. Like you, I think it sounds like a load of crap.

Grace

What a great post. I know it probably means less coming from someone who is partnered, but I think you are absolutely right on in your thinking. And my list of unhappy women who have settled serves as evidence for it. Go you.

lemmonex

I read this article (a little late to the party) just yesterday. I immediately sent it on to my single friends. At 27, the panic has not quite set in, but it has become more of a reality. Friends are pairing off and having babies. I do not believe in soul mates or destiny or any of that Prince Charming nonsense; all these things are illusions. I don't think I will find a perfect man, because they, of course, do not exist. But I do have to have faith I will find someone I can love and build a life with and not consider any of this settling...I just have to.

NG

Well thought out post!

I've often heard it said that the most important thing a father can do for his children us love their mother and vice versa. That's not to say that children of divorce can't grow up healthy and happy, but I think there's something to that. Marriage and parenthood are hard enough without adding "bad relationship" on top of that. My parents were prime examples of this and it sure was not any easier on us kids because they settled and stayed together. And, of course, they divorced about a minute after the kids were out of the house.

Frankly, I think Gottlieb's article trivializes women... like we're all just avoiding relationships for reasons as silly as halitosis or yelling bravo at the theater. Give us some credit.

Kbee

Thanks. I needed this reminder. Say it with me now, telling jokes about fellatio in front of your mother is not okay.

Laurie

Hi everyone...

Grace, actually I think it's equally interesting to hear from "partnered people on these kinds of things.

Lemmonex...Have that faith, really.

NG: Yes, I do think the article generalizes, while at the same time reflecting one person's experience. Weird. And I tried to focus on the good of the kids because I think that gets lost sometimes. Of course even when relationships go sour people are grateful for their kids, but I hate to see anyone go into parenthood with someone just as a means to an end.

Laurie

Kbee: Haha, yeah, that's a good mantra. Here's one of mine: Thou shalt not quit your job and sit on the couch playing playstation with your baby blanket draped over your shoulders. For a month.

;)

homeimprovementninja

Gottlieb is a bitter, pessimistic, lonely woman. I think I know why she's single.


Foilwoman

Okay, first of all, Gottlieb's vision for fortyish datelessness and inability to attract men isn't true for everyone, and probably isn't even true for her (she's going on dates, she just hasn't met her "true love" -- gag me with a place setting). Second of all, the question, when deciding whether or not to meet someone for lunch, for dinner, or for, one hopes, mutually enjoyable sex or lifelong companionship isn't "is this the best I can do?" The question is: do I want to spend one hour (or one week, or whatever amount of time) with this person. If the answer is no, well, it doesn't matter if you can't do better. If one's best option is David Berkowitz or Rush Limbaugh or Ralph Nader for that matter (and lets be honest, even if you're a knee-jerk liberal like me, Ralph Nader gives off oodles of "weird-weird-weird" wah-wah-wah vibes), face it, the Chardonnay or Shiraz, cuddly Fluffy or Fido, and Talking Heads on the music player of your choice (with a good book, not the Atlantic Magazine) will make you happier. And anyone who's suffering from lack-o'-kids, swing by my place. I married the guy I was in love with back in 1991, and it cost me in excess of $50,000 to turf him out once his total inability to translate the feeling of being in love into the day to day responsibilities of parenthood and, heck, adulthood.

Sure, get realistic visions of what one seeks in a partner (capability, competence, cleanliness, cuddliness, and the ability to bring you to orgasm should cover it, I think), and throw the Disney happily ever after dream in the trash, but don't "settle" for someone who will make your life harder. We can make our lives hard enough on our own.

Karen

All hail Laurie White for her superb essay!

I love what you have to say, and I must say that as a wommon who has married an abusive man and borne him three children, and then divorced him and married a man who is respectful and kind, I would like to contemplate a bit and then reply in more depth, as would befit an essay of your calibre.

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